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hayden’s complaining again.

i dont think the stress of my job is worth how much i get paid. 

i dont think the benefits of living with my mom are worth living with my mom anymore. 

i want to leave my home, my friends, and leave this town. Or just leave this area of town I live in. #sickofeveryone

I want even more independence now then ever. Sometimes i crave more than indepenence though, almost to the point of isolation or just lonliness. Its not that im not thankful for the awesome people in my life because i am. I just feel like i need a tiny break from everyone and everyone probably needs a break from me. A vacation, by myself, would be grand :)

:/ 

and i think within the last few weeks, i have developed an anger problem. -.-

because my patients has gone from great- to alright- to super fucking bad and everyones been pissing me off. Its not that i flip out on everyone, because sometimes i dont say anything to someone about the tiny things they do to make me angry and it feels like the core of me is throbbing with anger and bad energy. 

^^^^this is why i think i need to go on a vacation by my self for about a month. I need time to reflect and calm down. 

did i mention its been about 3 weeks since i quit smoking. However, i have had a few ciggarettes but i have not paid for any of them (and thats my biggest rule for myself.. no paying for cigs!!). I want one so badly right now but im staying away. 

k im done. 

rant.

SO i got contacts. 

and it is the most annoying thing when someone tells me how much better i looked with glasses and they tell me how much they miss them (and yes people have actually been saying this to me) . Everytime someone says that i just wanna scream “I DONT FUCKING CARE” in their face because seriously, i dont!

I’m not wearing glasses for you or anyone. 

oh and to the people who say i “dont look like Hayden without the glasses” i just wanna say that glasses dont define who am and fuck you too. 

go tell someone who cares. 

o goodness. smh

work was… emotional. 

now that the holidays are here, Starbucks is getting crazier and crazier each day. I’ve heard horror stories about baristas (dealing with the hot chocolate rush, and crazy costomers) during the winter time. 

its just insane at my store right now because we have so many new people and for the first time in my life i hate my job because of all these new changes. I do think things will get better it just sucks that so much is changing during this crazy time at starbucks. i dont really feel like elaborating on it. i just cant wait for tomorrow after school when i get to relax. 

i always forget how much better a hot bath can make me feel after a crazy day. 

nothing but a big bag of bones, blood, and guts.

sometimes i just have days where i feel like a big nothing, with no interest, and no idea of what i want.

I get so angry with myself and the way i think or things that i did.

i know living in the past or future is not a good thing most of the time. Its just hard sometimes to stay in the moment and sometimes i freak out and have panic attacks.

not sure what the answer is but i think what i need is just to fucking chill out, have some days on my own to about things, people, my job, and school, just to myself. i just wish it was possible to go on with your normal life and not have to deal with a single person just for a while. that would be nice, i could use that.